Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Saturday, December 24, 2011

16 months old!!!

It's Christmas eve... And I doubt that I'll have time to post up a blog tomorrow for Havens 25th blog.

My sweet boy is fast asleep beside me and I doubt a nap is in store again for the rest of the day. So! I shall blog :)

Right now we're at my aunts farm. We talked last night and she told me that the house is actually 100 years old. They found the bill of sale and it was built for $4,400.00 including labor. If only I could build a beautiful Victorian house for only $4,400.00! I love this farm :)

It might smell a little musty, but it feels like a home - we've had tons of memories here.

Haven has been so busy exploring all of the nooks and crannies. This morning we opened some Christmas gifts and he was so excited with his new toys that Grandma and Grandpa got for him.

His favorite word right now is 'uuuhhh ohhh'. And he says it with the funniest look on his face hahah. He says 'mama' now and sometimes he says 'nope'. Randomly he will try to sound out entire sentences like 'i love you' but it just comes out sounding like gibberish.

His hair is getting more and more curly every single day. It's exactly like mine when I was a baby - blonde and all. Everyone always comments on how much he looks like me - it's a special feeling to look at someone and see yourself in them..

Well. I'm going to have one of those 'I'm so stuffed with food I've just gotta lay here on a bed and not move for three hours' naps :)

Have a very Merry Christmas to all!!!

Friday, December 16, 2011

all the difference

Today has been a wonderful day. I can't help but be awake at 2:00 am and be writing this blog - that is just how wonderful it was. My heart just feels like it's overflowing with gratitude and love.

The other night I was getting Haven ready for bed. I gave him a bath and brushed his little curly locks. Then I read him some stories from his 'scripture stories' book. We read about Daniel and Goliath, Moses and his loving Mother, Jesus Christ's birth... all of these wonderful things. I am so grateful for these stories that teach my son of hope and faith...

We went around and said our 'goodnights' to everyone. He gave hugs and kisses to grandma and his aunties and uncles. Then we went into his room.

auntie tanis

Here's the good part.

I knelt down beside his crib like I do every night before bed. Without me even having to help him kneel down across from me he knelt down in front of me. I folded my hands and he pushed his hands together in a jumbled up mess - he hasn't quite figured out the art of hand co-ordination yet - but, together they were, and that's all that mattered. He looked up at me with those big brown eyes as if to say "Ok Mommy. I'm ready."

My heart just melted away; I struggled to keep my voice steady as I said his prayers for him. I usually try and keep his prayers short and sweet so that he has more opportunity of suceeding in being reverent. But this time I prayed a little longer. He stayed there kneeling with his little hands clasped together the entire time.

I said 'Amen' and he jumped up and threw open his arms, wrapping them tightly around my neck. I just pulled him in close and breathed in his little 'johnson's baby' smell.

What would I do if I didn't have him forever?

I just don't know the answer to that question.

Today I did something very special to my heart. I went to the Temple and I did work there to help enable families to be with each other for time and all eternity. We search out names of our ancestors and we make sure that they are remembered and united together. I went with a close friend of mine: Lola May, as I lovingly like to refer to her.

We began talking on the drive home. We talked about how wonderful of a feeling it was to be able to help families be together forever. I sat back and thought of my precious baby boy - what would I do if I couldn't be with him forever? What would I do if I didn't know where I was going? What would I do if I didn't understand the importance of my role as a Mother?

I know that the relationship that I have with my children is more important than any other relationship (apart from the one I'll have with my future husband, of course ;). I will take my family relationships with me where ever I go - they'll still be with me even after I die. So I think they should be more important than anything else... Some might laugh at me or mock me - but if you're one of those people, than it makes me sad that you don't understand the divinity within leading and guiding a little soul who has been trusted to your care... or the divinity within loving a sister or brother or a mom or dad.

I'm so grateful for this Gospel. I'm so grateful for all that I have been blessed with in this life. I have hard days - just as everyone does. Sometimes I question myself and wonder if I am capable of teaching Haven all that he needs to know - a task that seems even more daunting considering that I am technically doing it alone (and I say 'technically' because I've got an amazing family who helps me to not ever feel alone) - but in the end I know where I am going and I know where I've come from... and most importantly, I know that my calling as a Mother, a sister, a friend, a daughter and eventually a wife is divine.

And that has made all the difference.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

what am i grateful for? awful days

i swear! i am NOT a negative girl. i PROMISE you!

i feel awful writing this blog. mainly because i just feel like every time i've blogged lately it's started off with something similar to what i'm about to say right now:

today. was. awful.

but wait!

i am totally going to turn it all around and you will all be feeling uplifted and encouraged by the end of it. in the mean time, though; just listen to a little bit of my day (possibly for no one's benefit but my own, because for real sometimes you just gotta get it off your chest and write it all out):

i LOVE snow and i LOVE Christmas. so. waking up to the white flakey wonder outside my front window brought a lot of joy to my heart. what about this did not bring a lot of joy to my heart? the roads. especially the roads when people forget that we live in Canada and not California. and that 'hey, the roads are fricken slippery'. then they do stupid things like pulling in front of me on the highway and making me swerve into the other lane (over the cement divider thingy and everything (not the tall one but the one that's kinda like a curb)) and nearly die in on coming traffic.

then i had the most draining and depressing conversation with a close friend of mine (kind of like what you think that this blog is going to be like; just you wait, just you wait).

then my iPod broke - my iPod contains my life; this is a BIG deal.

then i found out that a loved one is really quite sick (nope! you don't get to know who! haha).

then another friend of mine was just really darn hurtful and i started crying; yup... i cried (this may have been somewhat due to the above 'bad day thingies' that led up to the mean friend. maybe it wasn't entirely his fault that i cried. lol). 

then some other friends got into an argument about religion... some sad things were said and my heart felt like it had just been beaten right up.


I did what any logical girl would do and I pulled on some sweats, layered on some hoodies, found some mittens, laced up my Nike's and took off out the door for a run.

"Isn't there tons of snow outside?"

Yup. There is. I just didn't care.

I ran and ran and ran. I'm pretty sure I gave Forest Gump a run for his money. He's got nothin' on me.

I finished the run and I played with my puppy for a little bit out in the snow :) that brought a lot of joy to my heart.

Then I got to thinking about the day. And I got to thinking about how awful it was. I replayed it all in my mind and I realized something (here's where we'll shift to the good part ;):

If I didn't get to experience the 'awful days' - if every single day was easy and tolerable - then I would never be able to fully appreciate the wonderfully splendid days. If I didn't have to face some days that are scary and awful and painful then I simply wouldn't have the capacity to understand the worth of the good days.

And suddenly my entire view on the day changed. I sat there in the snow with my puppy and I realized that this day - though it was terrible and awful and difficult - was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
Without the bad I can't appreciate the good.
Without the heart break I can't appreciate the healing.
Without the tears I can't appreciate the smiles.
Without the hatred I can't appreciate the love.
Without the bitterness I can't appreciate the kindness.

I'm grateful for awful days. I'm grateful for people who treat me badly.
Because without them, I would be a pretty ungrateful little girl.

Because I've seen the bad, I'm grateful for the good.

Monday, November 28, 2011

25 turns into 28!

These '25' posts are becoming more like '28' posts!

I'm not feeling creative right now, but I know that I just need to get this up haha. So! A Havie baby update:

He has a language of his own; full of grunts, shouts and hand gestures. He reminds me a great deal of a little monkey haha! I've learned how to understand this monkey language.

He knows a few words: 'Mama', 'don't' and 'dance'.

Haven loves to dance, especially while watching Dora the Explorer! He moves his little shoulders back and forth and shakes his bootie haha!

Haven adores his 'Papa' and runs to him whenever he walks in the door!

Another favorite person of Havie's is his cousin, Kealii. Oh my goodness he adores him! It reminds me that human beings are inherently good. And I love that concept.

Haven has a big heart and he is always giving great big hugs and kisses to a sad hearted individual.

Haven has a big, kind heart but he also has a temper. When you try and make him do something that he doesn't want to do, he makes it very clear that he does NOT want to do it!

I love Haven! And he is my light and joy!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

peanut butter and sticky kisses

I've made some big life choices lately.
Ones that I don't think a lot of people in my life will  agree with. But, I made them anyways. I made them because I felt that it was best for my baby boy.

I spoke with one of my closest friends the other day to explain to her my choices.
I feel really guilty for saying this, but I was so nervous to tell her what I had decided.
I could hear the disapointment in her voice at first. The choice that I've made is going to prevent me from living close to her and I know that's why she was sad.
As I explained to her the reasons that I had made the decision that I did, she told me that she was proud of me.
She reassured me and read me a quote:

 “I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”
- Marjorie Pay Hinckley

There are so many distractions to be had every single day. Sometimes I feel as if the world is screaming at me:

"Lose weight. You're not skinny enough."
"Money buys happiness."
"It's only a sleeve,  or a little cleavage, or a little too short, etc; it really doesn't make a difference."

When it comes down to it, I know that I can't bring money up to heaven. I will feel completely ridiculous for investing so much time in all of the things that I cannot take to heaven.

I want Heavenly Father to know that I've really lived here.
I want Him to know that He was right in trusting me with one of His precious children from above; that I value my divine Motherhood. 

I am of infinite worth with my own divine mission, which I will strive to fulfill.

I want Him to know that I've really experienced life.
I want Him to see that I made my Savior's sacrifice for me worth it.
I want Him to see that I tried my hardest to be His hands and lift others up.

So when it comes down to it I know that the make up isn't going to mean anything.
The hours of thought put into dieting or excercising (for reasons besides health) aren't going to mean anything.
My clothes aren't going to mean anything.

I hope that I have peanut butter on my shirt when I get to heaven.
I hope that my shoulder is wet with the tears from those who have cried upon it.
I hope that I will have those sticky kisses all over my cheeks.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

if i could find a way

i should not be blogging right now.
there are millions upon millions of other things that i should be doing right now - none of which include sitting down in my room, opening up my computer and blogging away.
i could be doing laundry. i could be studying. i could be cleaning my room. i could be budgeting. i could be editing. i could be running.
the list goes on, and on. and onnnnnn.
so, like i said, i should not be blogging. but. i definitely need to write and write; sometimes the 'difficult' feelings (ie panicked, fearful, frustrated, disapointed, confused) of my heart just get trapped inside there and the only way to get them out is to lay them out.
just like this.
so please enjoy.

has any of you ever heard the song cough syrup??? by 'young the giants'? the first time that i heard it i thought that it was so wierd. and i didn't understand the lyrics at all - usually i can find something to relate to in odd lyrics. but not these ones.
at least not until yesterday. yesterday they were quite applicable. funny how different experiences can alter your mind to understand something better. 'aha' moments are the best.

this week has been kind of rough, guys. i'm not gonna lie.

monday began with a mental break down - tears, panicked-tight-chest-lump-in-your-throat feeling and all.

tuesday was some more panic and indecision.

wednesday highlighted it all with finding out some awful news.... it's family 'hush, hush' stuff and definitely not 'blog-worthy'. but, take my word for it; it was awful news.

today has just been a blur.

now that i've told you about all of the bad things that have graced my week, i will tell you about some of the things that i have learned from it - because that's what trials are for: learning.

I've learned that I should never waste time. If someone I love doesn't know that I love them, I need to tell them. I shouldn't wait for a distant tomorrow. Because I might not get it in this life if I wait.

I've learned that I shouldn't ever judge someone when I don't know all the facts. And even if I do know all the facts, I probably still don't know all the facts. So.... I should just leave the judging to God.

I've learned that sometimes I have to let go of people that I love - yup, even the ones that I love deep down into my little heart. And that still seems like such a lame concept to me... I don't like it. And I don't think that I ever will.

I've learned that sometimes I have to adjust my plans. Sometimes I have to sacrifice something good, for something better.

I've learned that sometimes... even though something is right... it doesn't mean that it will be easy to accept or that it won't be disapointing from the limited view that I have. Of course I'll be grateful for it later when I can see it all laid out... but for now... I'm just a little bit disapointed. And a little bit tired.

And a little bit in need of a great. big. hug.

seeing it straight or not doesn't really matter when i've got these pudgy arms around my neck... <3

If I could find a way to see this straight
I’d run away
To some fortune that I should have found by now..
- cough syrup
by 'young the giants' 

Monday, November 7, 2011

something amazing

2 choices.

that's exactly what i have today.
-in fact every day i have 2 choices-

1. i can choose to look at the negative, painful or tearful experiences of the day


2. i can choose to look at the wonderful, uplifting or strengthening experiences of the day.


on this beautiful sunday evening i am going to choose the latter.
i've not had the best day - it's been trying at times, i won't lie.

but what would life be without the difficult bits as well?
wouldn't it be silly of me to have a testimony of the truth that i know that i was sent here to this earth to be tested and strengthened,
but simultaneously believe that i shouldn't have to face difficulties, pains, heart aches and sorrows?

that idea is contradictory, if you ask me.

my heart is feeling a little beat up this evening
and i know the perfect solution

- attitude of gratitude -
(ya, i said it ;)

What am I grateful for today?
Please, allow me to tell you:

1. the fact that i have a new computer! there's a tiny negative here, which will explain the lack of good photos. that is the fact that i have no editing system on my computer atm. nor do i have any pics from Eevie (that's my camera, ya she has a name ;) So! Please enjoy the lack of high quality photos!

2. banana cream pie with oreo pie crust. Haven enjoyed it quite a lot as well ;)

3. my Momma who is the best Momma and Grandma in the whole, wide universe.

4. mine and Haven's adventures through wallie world, playing 'peek-a-boo' with touques :)

5. my Piggy wiggie nephew :) this is definitely a wedding day slide show shot. hahaha

6. great health care in Canada - seriously, i freaken love my country.

7. 'peek-a-boo' games with havie baby. 

8. home made ice cream and strawberry cobbler - ya, that's right - home made (by me)!

9. this may seem cheesy to some... but today i am especially grateful that i know where i come from. i know who i am and where i am going.
this knowledge makes facing the heart aches of my life easier to bare.
i know that this life isn't the end - there is something else after and there was something else before.
people who truly love me will not define me by my outward appearance;
they will define me by my heart.
i know that i truly love Haven because, even though he has the cutest darn face i've ever seen, i know that he has the best heart of anyone that i know
and i can see that heart shining through every day.
did you know that he comforts his cousin when he is upset?
he holds my face in his hands and 'kisses' my cheeks and nose when i cry.
he was something amazing before he came here
and he is something amazing now.
today more than anything, i am grateful that i know where i am going.
i know that i have a purpose in life; and along with that, i know that haven has a purpose in life.
i know that beauty's true depth is not measured by layers of make up or their articles of fancy possesions.
beauty's true depth is measured from within a person's soul. 

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

the measure of success

I've been thinking a lot lately about success. What is it really? How do you define success? What does one have to do in life to be 'succesful'?

I guess it depends who you ask. The answers would undoubtedly vary.

But to me?
Success does not come through fancy, expensive cars.
Cars will rust; and one day it will probably seem very silly that we put so much thought into a big hunk of metal.
Success does not come by looking a certain way. It doesn't come through having lots of money.
It definitely doesn't come through flashy name brands displayed for the world to see.

The true successes of my life are much more deep and meaningful than that. The true successes of my life bring me joy. 

I feel success and joy when I see this little smile.

auntie tamera, kealii and my little haven :)

I feel success and joy when Haven learns something new (even though, I'm not gonna lie, it makes me panic to think he's growing up so quickly).

he insists upon eating by himself, with no help! and it usually results in a giant mess! :)

I feel success and joy when I am able to gather my entire family together into one photo (seriously, it's quite the feat to accomplish - I should get an award or something).

:) lots of additions!!!

I feel success and joy when Haven learns that kisses are for lips, not for noses. Nor are noses for biting (he'l catch on one day, i know it ;).

in the mean time, i will feel the same amount of joy in recieving these wonderful kisses and bites upon my nose <3

I feel success and joy when Haven shows kindness and love to someone who is sad.

cousin loving <3

I feel success and joy when I see the parts of Haven that come from me.

curly locks :)

I may not know all of the ways to define success.
But listed above are a few that define some of the successes in my life.
To some, they seem silly.
But I know that the important things in life - the things that will last forever - are the loved ones around us.

My last success for this post?
It's definitely the 25th day of every month - when Haven becomes one month older! With every passing month, I love him more. With every tiny feat that he accomplishes, I feel more gratitude that he is in my life. He has taught me what is really important; what really defines success.

And he is undoubtedly my greatest success of all <3

august 25th, 2010


Monday, October 17, 2011


I think my gratitude journals are lacking lately... I'm sick today and my head is pounding and I'm pretty sure that if I write up a gratitude journal, I might feel a little better.

You've met him before, I know... but do you know how much I love my puppy?

I am grateful for him.

I was thinking the other day... and I don't have much time left with him. That makes me sad...

But I'm grateful for the time I've had with him.

I'm grateful that he's being my cuddle bunny right now. He makes the single life not so lonely ;)

I'm grateful that Havie is sleeping soundly and happily.

I'm grateful for Becky Sparks :) she's makes me laugh almost every time I talk to her.

Well... I'm going to go have a date with the toilet now and puke my guts out.

But this was helpful. Thanks, blogging buddies.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

i'm small, i know

I love primary songs. Especially the ones that just get stuck in your head and no matter what you do, you can't get it out. Today one in particular has been playing and replaying in the radio of my mind.

said the little stream,
"Give oh, give! Give oh, give!"
said the little stream,
as it hurried down the hill.

"I'm small I know,
but where ever I go
the fields grow greener still."

Singing, singing all the day.
"Give away! Oh, give away!"
Singing, singing all the day.
"Give oh, give away."

I've been thinking about 'giving' a lot :).

This morning my sister showed me a wonderful site. It's called 'click to give'. Lately I've been a little bit frustrated with my ability to - or rather, my lack of ability - to give and help in the world. It seems that to make any real difference you have to be a millionaire.

So. This is for those of you who are not millionaires or who do not have bloated trust funds that you will recieve when you turn 18. This is for the individual who wants so badly to make big changes, yet has very little.

'Click to give' is a completely free website. All you have to do is take under a minute a day to log into the website and simply click on any - or all  - of the charities that you feel passionately about and 'click to give' will donate to that charity on your behalf. The different charities are:
  • Animal Care
  • Feed the Poor
  • Stop Child Abuse
  • End Homelessness
  • Impact Kids Cancer
  • Sponser Children
Click the website link above and learn more about what is done for each of these charities individually! The charities are amazing!

i cant help but look at this sweet face, all covered in 'morning snack time', and wonder what i would do if i had no means to feed him. it makes me grateful for what i do have; for what haven has. but it also fuels a yearning within my heart to want to make the world a better place for children who go hungry every day...

this is a big boy. at three months kealii weighs only 2 pounds lighter than haven weighs now. haven is 13 months.... get the picture? lol. kealii is a formula baby because his momma can't nurse. i take for granted, so often, the fact that he just has food available to him. what if he didn't have that? i just can't imagine it...

Basically how the site functions is by advertisements. With each visitor or ip address 'hit' the site becomes more popular. This, in turn, makes company's want to have their advertisements on the website.

Where does the money come from to aid these charities, you ask? The money earned from the cost of advertising of course! :) 100% straight to the charity.

if you know me, you know that i love animals. animals need lovin' too! i love that this website has an option for 'animal care'. i've found some of my best friends in animals <3

You can only register one person per ip address and only click once a day (that's a note for those 'go getters' who I'm sure would sit there for hours clicking and clicking and clicking if they could.)

I know, I know, I know... with the internet these days and all of the million and one scams that are out there to be had, one might hesitate to want to try something like this. But really... what have you got to lose? Nothing. Besides a few moments of your time :).

I know that for me personally, I feel like my contributions are so small and limited. Today I was especially feeling that way. Anyone who sits down and watches the news for even 30 seconds has reason to become discouraged and down-trodden for the rest of the month.

That's why I love the words of this song:

I'm small, I know
but where ever I go
the fields grow greener still.

I know that I am small. I know that, when I look at the smallness of my efforts, it seems laughable to some. But really... I don't mind so much. Nope. I won't mind it at all. Because I know that even the 'small' efforts count.

So... I'm small, I know. But I know that the small efforts count as well. And I also know that if we all join together to fight against inequality in the world, we can make a difference. I'm so grateful for the example of Jesus Christ in showing us alllll how to give.

Here's the link again just in case you couldn't find it up there ;)

And for the finale... the finishing lyrics to this beautiful song <3

Give then as Jesus gives,
Give oh, give
Give oh, give
Give then as Jesus gives,
there is something all can give.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

for better or worse

I really don't think there is EVER a dull moment in my home. This weekend has been madness. But... a good madness; the kind that creates memories and laughter for years.

To begin, I was the Maid of Honor at my oldest sister's wedding. It was my kind of wedding; small and intimate with only very close friends and immediate family. It was gorgeous. Tanis was gorgeous. My new Brother in law's family were a delight. Seeing my Auntie and Uncle Gary was wonderful. It was just such a good time.

(stunning, right?)

(i love this little fatso!)

Following the wonderful wedding celebrations was thanks giving. What a wonderful time for thanks giving.

Let me tell you about our thanks giving dinner. It was a wild one, I'm not gonna lie.

We bought a turkey from a friend. I have no idea why, but he had only one leg. We lovingly named him Terry Fox :)

I LOVE holidays and thanks giving is no exception to that. We carved up Terry Fox and made up some delish gravy. We beat te potatoes and baked marshmallow yams (mm mm).

We got it all on the dinner table and sat down together as a family, minus a few. As we always do, we began to bless the meal.

Unfortunately Kesaia is usually unable to sit still for more than five seconds - she's a busy body to say the least. Suddenly i heard a 'crash, smash, clatter' from across the table. A blood curdling scream burst out of Kesaia as she screamed:

"it's hot! Ahhhh it's so hot!!!"

She had been moving around during prayer and the hot gravy boat had spilt all of her arms and her plate. She continued screaming which caused Haven to panic. He began screaming as well. It was mayhem as Tamera jumped up and searched for something to wipe away the hot gravy.

Then Kealii starts screaming just cause he likes to scream. After the gravy was wiped away and Kesaia was assured that we would not in fact have to amputate her arms, she sat down and we began the 'what are you thankful for's. Kesaia said:

"im grateful for everything on the table EXCEPT the gravy!"

Lol. Haven decided that he was still upset by the whole situation and refused to eat.

(oh how i love when haven throws his bottle at me!)

Finally I convinced him to eat some turkey. Kesaia, being the busy body that she is, got up again and when she returned to the table, Mattie accidentally dropped his knife on her foot. She screamed, Haven screamed, Kealii screamed and Mattie began his giant pout. We eventually convinced Kesaia that we wouldn't have to amputate her foot either and that she would live. But it was back to square one with Haven as he refused to eat anymore.

(sara's face says it all. Lol)

(see look, she survived)

Sara decided that it was a good time to joke around with Kesaia in her typical Sara way. She began to cry. Lol. Then guess what happened??? Yup... you guessed it. Haven began to cry followed shortly by Kealii.

With our super duper awesome problem solving skills we convinced Sara to apologize to Kesaia (she IS more than 10 years older than her... Lol.) I eventually convinced Haven to eat some more food.

(hahaha. im pretty sure she's thinking... how on EARTH did I get lucky enough to end up with this family ;)

(dad was quite capable of just eating through out all the madness)

I couldn't help but just stand back afterwards and laugh my little heart out. My family may be crazy. They may be loud. There may be a lot of screaming. But oh my goodness, do we laugh. And I wouldn't change my family for anything in the whole wide world. Nope; not nothin :)

(haven loves his papa :)

(and he usually loves his auntie too.... lol. not in this moment though. hahaha)

(hahahahah. who wouldn't love sara??? WHO?!)

Today I would like to say... I am so grateful for my Savior. Because without Him and His all encompassing atonement for me and everyone who will ever walk this earth.... I can be with my beautiful family forever.

For better or worse. In laughter or sorrow. In sickness or health.

'Till death do us part?

No way. Death cannot part us.

I get my family forever .

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone