Sunday, June 26, 2011

10 months; it won't change

I just love this post. Every month, I love it more and more. I get to dedicate the whole thing to my sweet Haven.

oooo i do adore you!
This month has been a crazy month for me. I've been busier and busier with studying and work related things. This month, probably more than any other month in Haven's life, I've spent a lot of time away from him. Some would laugh at that statement, because really it's only been a couple evenings (while he's sleeping) here and there. But for me it feels like a lot of time. 

The way I felt is summed up pretty well in this quote right here. It was written by a Mother for her niece who was becoming a Mother for the first time:

"I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she decides to invest in her designing career after the baby is born, she cannot avoid being professionally derailed by motherhood. She may successfully arrange for childcare, but one day she will be waiting to go into an important business meeting and she will think about her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every bit of discipline to keep herself from running home, just to make sure he is fine."

Let me tell you all! I have had to practice every bit of discipline to keep myself from running home to hold my baby boy. Many times I've had to tilt my head back in hopes that the tears welling up in my eyes some how get sucked back so that no one notices I'm crying.

how could i not when this face is so darn cute <3
Yesterday I was driving home. I missed my boy and it was late so I knew I wouldn't see him 'till the morning. I missed him so much. I flicked on a CD and had a good cry as I listened to this song.

A side note for my son:        Haven,

I mean every word of this song.
I love you.
There are plenty of things that change in this world;
friends change,
homes change
schools change,
pathways change,
hearts change,
But one constant that you can always rely on
is my love for you.
'Cause it won't ever change. 
- Mom

Never Knew I Needed

- Ne-Yo

For the way you changed my plans
For being the perfect distraction
For the way you took the idea that I have
Of everything that I wanted to have
And made me see there was something missing

he even loves me without make up :)

For the ending of my first begining
And for the rare and unexpected friend
For the way you're something that I never choose
But at the same time something I don't wanna lose
And never wanna be without ever again

my little johnson's baby <3

You're the best thing I Never Knew I Needed
So when you were here I had no idea
You're the best thing I never knew I needed
So now it's so clear I need you here always

i love you one million

My accidental happily (ever after oh oh oh)
The way you smile and how you comfort me (with your laughter)
I must admit you were not a part of my book
But now if you open it up and take a look
You're the beginning and the end of every chapter

hey mommy,
just thought you wanted some help pulling out all of the wet ones and throwing them all over the floor :)

You're the best thing I never knew I needed
So when you were here I had no idea
You're the best thing I never knew I needed (that I needed)
So now it's so clear I need you here always

look at those sunnies. hahaha

Who knew that I'd be here
So unexpectedly
Undeniably happy
Said with you right here, right here next to me
(Boy) you're the...

so. you're pretty amazing.

You're the best thing I never knew I needed
So when you were here I had no idea
You're the best thing I never knew I needed
So now it's so clear I need you here always
Baby baby


Now it's so clear I need you here always

Thursday, June 23, 2011

the boy who taught me how to fly

I needed a few days to write this one... I avoided talking about it in conversation, because it is sure to bring on the 'tight-lump-forming-in-my-throat' feeling. I've found a lot of solace lately in just avoiding painful topics all together - kind of like an ostrich with her head stuck in the sand. I know this will be thereputic though; so here it goes - bring on the 'tight-lump-forming-in-my-throat' feeling.

One of my very best friends passed away on June 13th; my old pony, Fox. The day he arrived on Carol Gee's farm when I was 9 years old was one of my happiest. days. ever. Oh, I adored him.

how could you not adore this fuzzy wuzzy bear???
We had our differences. He was quite a handful for my little shy, weak self; the name 'Fox' was perfectly fitting - he was unbelievably smart. He took complete advantage of any weaknesses or 'timidness' that I had and our relationship was, in the beginning, some what of a 'love/hate' relationship. He knew how to push my buttons.

I eventually became a stronger rider and taught him what was what. He gave me the respect that I deserved because of it. It was as if he was simply testing my boundaries - and only after I passed his 'tests', would he work with me. If I wasn't being respectful of him than he was sure to let me know he didn't appreciate it.  

competing in 01 :)
We became a team. I learned to anticipate his actions before he would make them. He learned to anticipate my next command before I gave it; kind of like two best friends who finished each other's sentences. I knew what made him angry and he knew what made me angry. I knew what made him happy and he knew what made me happy. He was (generally, and minus the days when he was grouchy) eager to please me.

my coach, fox and i after winning 'junior high-point' together :)

After a few days of training, I was able to teach him how to bow. He quickly came to the realization that if he bowed, he would get a treat. Every time anyone walked by him with a treat he would raise up his leg over and over again and stick his head in between his knees. It was quite the sight to behold! Everyone always thought he was colicky; and I would have to explain to them that he was just trying to get a treat. hahaha.

the most gentle soul; unless he didn't appreciate your riding skills ;)
THAT is a whole other story

I spent countless hours of time with him. While other girls my age were starting to learn the art of curling their hair and getting hair extensions, I was learning the art of 'two point' and perfecting our dressage extension. I was such a tom boy. My Mom had to beg me to clean underneath my dirt caked nails.

competing in prince george

I would spend all of my days with Fox - whether it was +30 or -30 - . Whenever he moved to a new field where he didn't know the other horses he would stand at the gate and whinny at me to come back; 9 times out of 10 I would not be able to stand it and go back to him five times before actually leaving to go home.

I still remember one summer when Fox and I were out riding with a friend Dana and her horse Gaetan. We decided that we were going to see if our boys could jump 4 ft 7. I remember knowing that our coach would be mad at us because the footing around the jump wasn't good. But, much like stupid teenagers do, we did it anyways. Haha.

This is a testament to how eager Fox was to please me, because that jump was far higher than anything we had ever attempted to clear. We started our canter and as we approached closer and closer, the height of this jump became more and more clear. My coach had always taught me to look past the jump and this instruction would have been a helpful thing to follow at the time. By the time I had realized that maybe this wasn't such a great idea, it was too late and we were only two strides away from what seemed like a tower. Little Fox was determined to get over that jump and even my apparent fear wasn't about to change that.
my courageous boy - 3 day event

I felt like we were in slow motion. My heart was in my throat. Sometimes our approach to a jump was off but this was perfect. He launched off at just the right spot. I looked down mid-air and saw just how high up we were.
And for a few moments... we were flying together.

I brought Fox along with my alllll the way from Northern BC to Southern Alberta. After I found out that my son, Haven was on the way... I knew that I would have to part with my Fox. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

you'll be in my heart

I've had him in my heart since he went away. He went to an amazing home and lived out his final year being pampered and loved. I'm so grateful for that.

So this is a special thank you... to one of the best friends that I will ever have.

i'll be seeing you, baby <3

Thank you
for teaching me to not allow others to walk all over me; that I deserve respect and that sometimes I need to fight for it.

Thank you
for teaching me that respect of others is imperitive even when someone causes you to become angry.

Thank you
for teaching me the importance of not giving up on something or someone that you love; even if they're down right ignorant. maybe they just need some extra time, some extra love.

Thank you
for always being a shoulder to cry on; my face may have gotten dirty, but I still believe it's the best shoulder out there.

Thank you
for every single tickelish, whiskery, nuzzle in the crook of my neck. 

Thank you
for loving me - just me, as I am and nothing else -.

Thank you
for giving me your all and trying, trying, trying to always be the best.

Thank you
for showing me how wonderful it is to feel needed.

and most importantly

Thank you

ooo i miss you

for being the best friend that any girl could ever ask for.

foxie boy's old pasture
in time's own space
there must be some sweet pastured place
where creeks sing on
and tall trees grow
some Paradise
where horses go.
For by the love that guides my pen,

I know great horses
live again.

-Stanley Harrison

Thursday, June 16, 2011


Isn't it amazing how the most simple things can have the most profound affect on you?

I was reading a children's book today. It was called "Imagine a Day". I don't remember who it was by.

But I was sitting there reading this story with Haven on my lap - and my emotions were quickly close to the surface - .

The book was on 'Imagining a Day' full of dreams and hopes. The page that 'got me' read:

"Imagine a day...
when you forget how to fall."

The picture was of two children walking across thin, wooden planks, way high up in the sky in some sort of wonder-land. They weren't afraid.

Such a simple sentence, in such a simple format... but in all of the 'profound' books that I've read, in all of the lengthy discourses of opinions... nothing could have been more perfect. It was as if it was tailored and perfectly placed there just for me to read. 

I was talking to a friend later after I read this book and something dawned on me; I am terrified of falling and I trust no one as a result of that terror.

(The fact that he immediatly said: "yeah... I've noticed" just confirmed it. lol. I guess it's worse than I thought.)

I've been hurt a time or two. I've had my hopes and dreams smushed right down into pulp. Some have broken my trust into pieces. 

I am terrified of placing trust in someone and that trust being abused. I am terrified of placing trust in a situation in fear that things won't work out. So I assume the worst. I don't ask for anything because than no one can say no. I don't open my heart completely because then no one can hurt it; that panicked feeling won't seep in as I lose control.

My life is built around my painful, constant memory of what it feels like to fall; what it feels like to hit that ground.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to forget how to fall?

Imagine a day...
when you forget how to fall. 

I'm going to forget it. 
Here's for hoping. Here's for dreaming. Here's for having faith and optimism that tomorrow will be beautiful - even if it comes knocking on my door with rejection or abused trust... that's ok. Because life's about learning. 

And without the falls
you would never learn about the strength inside of yourself
to get back up again.
I'm going to forget about the fear of falling; not because it's never going to happen.
But because I know that I'll always be blessed with
the strength to 
 get back up again. 

Monday, June 13, 2011

soooo... i'm feeling random....

Well, it's Sunday evening and I am curled up in my bed with my puppy; he's back to being my cuddle buddy, and thoroughly enjoying having that privledge back :)

This week has been absolutly CRAZY. I've been running around dropping off resumes here and there and EVERYWHERE, planning and budgeting, studying, making appointments, trying to make it to all the YSA functions, attending wedding receptions, choosing outfits (this one was quite the task), dropping off little sisters, writing essays, planning travel arrangements for the summer, booking flights, booking hotels, buying dress patterns for the dresses that my best friend and I are wearing to my other best friend's wedding, trying to plan how to get to that wedding.... I could keep going but I think that list right there will suffice in order to get my point across; I AM SO BUSY.

Amongst all of this 'running-around-like-a-chicken-with-my-head-cut-off' I feel like I haven't had five seconds to really sit down and snuggle my Haven. Today at Church I was holding him close when someone asked to hold him; at first I thought 'well I can't be rude and say no...' .... that only lasted a few moments until I realized how little time I had been able to spend with him all weekend. I said no.

Saying no is a huge accomplishment for me! I'm not going to lie.

i adore you <3

I'm sorry that this blog doesn't really have any rhyme or reason to it at all... but I don't currently have the brain capacity to write something that is substantial or creative - soooorrrrryyyy. You'll have to visit someone else's blog if you want that. I know one thing that doesn't take a lot of brain power.

A 'thank you' list!

no. 1
the way that the little spot underneath Hav's eyes crinkles up when he smiles :)

no. 2
my dr who is always just as concerned with my emotional well-being as he is with my physical well-being; he's probably one of the most kind men that I have ever met.

no. 3
sore muscles. sore muscles mean that more muscle is growin'!

no. 4
my ability to meet new people and learn about other's experiences.

no. 5
opportunity to gain an education.

no. 6
freedom to worship how I with to.

no. 7
clean, fresh smelling sheets (which are calling my name: Megan! Come to bed!)


Friday, June 10, 2011

So real, it hurts; Birth Mothers Appreciation

Sorry about the lack of posts guys! I've had a crazy week. I've been bloggin' over here though, at Birth Mothers Appreciation. Check it out :)

a meeting with the girls at LDSFS; so grateful for them!

ps a great big 'Vinaka Vakalevu' to my best friends 'Mummy' for her beautiful words about Motherhood.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

skinned knees and bumble bee stings

My big sister moved out this past week. It was a good thing, but... there was definitely a lump in the back of my throat as I watched her room be cleared out - I had to swat away a few tears. After she left I went outside for a run so that I could distract myself from the bitter sweet feeling of it all.

My baby sister also went to Grad this past week. It wasn't her Grad but it reminded me that she is going to be graduating next year. Then that reminded me that it's been two whole years since I graduated. And that's just unheard of to me.

Ummmmm. When did that happen? How has time flown by so quickly?

Do you remember when we were still kids?
Do you remember when life was as simple as racing our bikes up and down the streets?
Do you remember the fights we fought? 'I'm never talking to you again!'... five minutes later we would be planning our next adventure together; fights simply weren't worth remembering (and still aren't worth remembering :).
Do you remember laughing until we cried, as we laid underneath the stars on that old trampoline?
Do you remember the complete horror of being caught having a crush on a boy? - boys had cooties, ew.
Do you remember when the only reason we shed a tear was because of a skinned knee or a bumble bee sting?... ailments which were easily cured by Mom's 'magical kisses' or Dad's 'bear hugs'.

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together.
And as our lives change
come whatever
We will still be

friends forever

this picture is minus my michellie  <3
we'll be
friends forever