Sunday, September 25, 2011

26 hrs/day & 13 months old

Thirteen months old. That is how old my little boy is. Can anyone else believe that? I sure can't.

I know that this is really random and I don't know exactly how to put it into words... but I would never want any baby to replace Haven. There is no baby in the whole wide world - not one - that I would ever want instead of my son. Pretty much I'm saying that Haven is the most handsome, smart, loveable, amazing little boy in the entire world.

Yup. That's right. I said it. What now???

I always hated when Mothers said things like that. If you are not currently a Mother, and you are also reading this, and you are also thinking to yourself:

'I think that what she just said is so stupid!'

Well... then I guess you aren't a Mother. Go have a baby and then come back and tell me that any other baby is better than your baby... (even though Haven is clearly the best ;).

I apologise for the fact that this is the most random and jumbled '25' post that you ever might read. I actually just finished working two 13 hour days. Ya that's right. 13 hours. And. I'm a Mother. So you can just double that.

13 + 13 = 26

I've been working 26 hours each day for two days. Not possible, you say? I'm basically super woman. I made it happen. Ha.

Ok. I'm going to just get to the pictures before I dig this blog into an even deeper hole than it already is in. Hahaha.

look at those wittle feeties poking out there :)
hard life, right?

<3 these boys

hav has taken a new interest in the cats.
he ADORES the cats.
he wants to give them hugs and lots of love.
you may venture to assume that they do not return the feelings of affection... ha.

havie, joining me on my couples session hahaha

havie's cousins all in one picture! :)
see those teeth?
imagine them tearing through your flesh.
also another new found interest of haven's - biting.
we'll see how long that lasts...
another point... haven gets what haven wants when haven wants it. lol.
this face is a result of my making him wait for more food until he was being nice to mommy.
there's a story behind this picture.
see the little boy pointing the water gun at my baby?
what kind of demon child points a water gun at a one year old baby?
well. that child did. and lemme tell ya.
tanner and i were sitting there watching him like a hawk.
i was just WAITING for him to actually try and spray him with this water gun.
he would'a got it good, that's for sure.
thankfully, for demon child's sake, the water never came out while the gun was pointed at haven.
look hav, i can make that face too ;)

should i run towards that creek, even though mommy told me not too.............
i'm pretty sure that's what haven is considering in this picture.
he tried the first time and that didn't end well considering the mud smeared all over the side of his head..
dear haven,
did you know that you're my very best friend in the whole wide world?
did you know that i will always love you - more and more every day.
did you know that no matter what you do... nothing will ever change how much i love you <3

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

i made it.

I have two experiences I want to talk about today - they're stories of healing and hope. 

My little Haven was sick. His fever got pretty high and so I took him to hospital. We packed up in the car and left for Raymond - the emergency is quicker there.

I pulled into the parking lot and parked my car. I went inside and a nurse directed me to a little curtained off room. I laid Hav down on the hospital bed and sat there with him while he entertained himself with all of the things that fill a little one-year old boy with wonder and curiosity. I laughed at him and smiled as he tried to grab everything medical that he wasn't supposed to grab. I took pictures of course; as I always do :). 

The dr. came, gave us a prescription and we packed up and went home.

A few days later I was going through my phone and looking at the pictures. I came to the picture of little Havie lying in the hospital bed.... and I realized something.

This moment was huge for me.

The bed that Haven was lying in and the room that we were laughing and smiling inside of... was a room that holds great signifigance to me. Now I tread carefully on my following words because this is something that is closer to my heart.

I had an experience in that room with someone who was very close to my heart. The individual was sick. The memory of this experience lies among the list of 'most awful and difficult nights that I have ever had to face'. It was a terrible night - even talking about it, I remember vividly the broken heart that I had.

Now. how does this relate to a random picture of Haven in the same room, you may ask? Well. Let me tell :).

For a long time after this difficult thing that happened, I couldn't go near that hospital without panicking and wanting to run away. On a few occasions I had to go there with other people for random small emergencies. It would always be the same;
I would arrive there,
I would feel the panic begin to well up in my heart,
I would want to run away,
then I would get home, curl up in bed and cry and cry as the feelings and memories of that awful evening resurfaced.  
What happened that night is not something that I enjoy remembering. I remember thinking that I could never recover from it; that my heart would always be a little bit broken because of it.

When I looked at the picture of my sweet Haven lying in the same hospital bed within the same room as this awful experience... I realized something:

I didn't think of my awful experience once while I was there. It was so far back in the recesses of my mind, that I didn't even connect that I was in the very same room that had once been the place of so much devestation years earlier. The healing of my heart was a feat that I once thought to be impossible. And here I was, a year and some later, and I could even be in the very same room and not have this memory haunt me any longer.

my sweet haven <3

I could not help but look at this picture and with tears of gratitude welling up in my eyes, softly say to myself:

"I made it through... I made it."

It is a miracle. I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my Savior and for all of the angels who helped me along the way - who carried me when I could not take another step alone.

I know a beautiful girl who had to experience something awful a few days ago. I hope that I am able to match even a small amount of the comfort that she offers to me in my times of need. I hope that she, and anyone else who is aching because of an 'awful memory' or an 'awful experience', will read this and remember something that she taught me as she encouraged me every day after my own awful night.

Pain eases over time. Your broken heart will be made whole again some day. It will take work, and it will take tears, and it will take courage and strength beyond your own. Sometimes you will need to curl up and cry; there's nothing wrong with that. Other times you will need to hold your head high as you face a panicked moment. As you choose to move forward you will find that one day the memory no longer haunts your life. It will come slowly; a little here and a little there untill one day you realize, with tears of gratitude and joy welling in your eyes, that your heart is mended - that you have moved past this awful memory and are looking triumphantly back at it. You will then be able to say:

"I made it through... I made it."    

I promise you. I promise you with my entire heart <3
though the water is between us, i'll be right there in your heart always <3
a phone call and a few flights away.


Saturday, September 10, 2011


It was a beautiful day to write an exam.

I am so grateful that I am done.

I am so grateful for all of the opportunities I have for education.

I am so grateful for all that I have in my life.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

gonna fly by...

Dear All,

I have a new blog! I decided that I didn't want to jumble up my 'everyday blog' with my 'photo's blog' and so I just made an account on tumblr :) here's the link.

This week has been kind of crazy! I've just started at a new job and am really enjoying it. It's super close to home. Yesterday Havie was having a bit of a rough day and had a hard time going off to day care. I don't think it will ever cease to break my heart seeing his little arms reaching out for me with those big alligator tears forming in his eyes and having to walk away from him anyways. It's been really hard for me being away from him for work lately!

I found this song one year ago when Havie was just a newborn and sing it to him all the time.
I've been thinking of it a lot lately <3
ps ive changed the lyrics a little 'cause i sing it a little differently to Haver :)

She didn't have to wake up
She'd been up all night
Layin’ there in bed listenin’
To her new born baby cry
She makes a pot of coffee
She splashes water on her face
Her momma gives her a hug and says
It gonna be OK

It won’t be like this for long
One day you'll look back laughin’
At the week you brought him home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
‘Cause it won't be like this for long

Four years later ‘bout 4:30
He's crawling in her bed
And when she drops him off at preschool
He's clinging to her leg
The teacher peels him off of her
She says what can I do
She says now don't you worry
This’ll only last a week or two

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon you'll drop him off
And he won’t even know you're gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It won’t be like this for long

Some day soon he'll be a teenager
And at times she'll think he hates her
Then she'll watch him getting married
To the love of his life
But right now he's up and cryin’
And the truth is that she don't mind
As she kisses him good night
And he says his prayers

She lays down there beside him
‘Til his eyes are finally closed
And just watchin’ him it breaks her heart
Cause she already knows

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon that little boy is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah, this phase is gonna fly by
So, she's tryin’ to hold on

‘Cause it won’t be like this for long

It won’t be like this for long

It won’t be like this for long

- It won't be like this for long
Darrius Rucker

Friday, September 2, 2011

problems vs. persons

A gratitude blog is very much in store. Today - or rather should I say the entire week? - has kind of been a little wild.

I've just now finally calmed my little Haven Raven. He's been sick all week long and I'm existing off of only a few tiny hours of rest. Being away from him while I work has been especially difficult. And so I guess it's no wonder that I am feeling somewhat sad. I spoke with an old friend today and it wasn't the most positive of conversations... I haven't really been able to get rid of that sad feeling since. Here's my sure fire way of curing that problem :)

A grateful heart is a happy heart.

I am grateful for...

my son's health. I think of those mothers who are lying in hospital rooms right now with a sick and helpless child - I am so grateful for Haven's health.

(hav playing in the sprinkler :)

friends who care. I don't know how I got so lucky as to be blessed with the friends I have.

my Mother's example. I can't think of anything more valuable than this... I would not be anything if it were not for my diligent Mother.

a knowledge of what happens when people die. A knowledge that families are forever.


kind hearted people.

the quote "never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved".

my Motherhood.



my sisters.

the atonement of my Savior.

(at the temple... I just love the temple :)

sleep..... which I am fading off to..... goodnight.

Sleep tight :)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone