Tuesday, September 13, 2011

i made it.

I have two experiences I want to talk about today - they're stories of healing and hope. 

My little Haven was sick. His fever got pretty high and so I took him to hospital. We packed up in the car and left for Raymond - the emergency is quicker there.

I pulled into the parking lot and parked my car. I went inside and a nurse directed me to a little curtained off room. I laid Hav down on the hospital bed and sat there with him while he entertained himself with all of the things that fill a little one-year old boy with wonder and curiosity. I laughed at him and smiled as he tried to grab everything medical that he wasn't supposed to grab. I took pictures of course; as I always do :). 

The dr. came, gave us a prescription and we packed up and went home.

A few days later I was going through my phone and looking at the pictures. I came to the picture of little Havie lying in the hospital bed.... and I realized something.

This moment was huge for me.

The bed that Haven was lying in and the room that we were laughing and smiling inside of... was a room that holds great signifigance to me. Now I tread carefully on my following words because this is something that is closer to my heart.

I had an experience in that room with someone who was very close to my heart. The individual was sick. The memory of this experience lies among the list of 'most awful and difficult nights that I have ever had to face'. It was a terrible night - even talking about it, I remember vividly the broken heart that I had.

Now. how does this relate to a random picture of Haven in the same room, you may ask? Well. Let me tell :).

For a long time after this difficult thing that happened, I couldn't go near that hospital without panicking and wanting to run away. On a few occasions I had to go there with other people for random small emergencies. It would always be the same;
I would arrive there,
I would feel the panic begin to well up in my heart,
I would want to run away,
then I would get home, curl up in bed and cry and cry as the feelings and memories of that awful evening resurfaced.  
What happened that night is not something that I enjoy remembering. I remember thinking that I could never recover from it; that my heart would always be a little bit broken because of it.

When I looked at the picture of my sweet Haven lying in the same hospital bed within the same room as this awful experience... I realized something:

I didn't think of my awful experience once while I was there. It was so far back in the recesses of my mind, that I didn't even connect that I was in the very same room that had once been the place of so much devestation years earlier. The healing of my heart was a feat that I once thought to be impossible. And here I was, a year and some later, and I could even be in the very same room and not have this memory haunt me any longer.

my sweet haven <3

I could not help but look at this picture and with tears of gratitude welling up in my eyes, softly say to myself:

"I made it through... I made it."

It is a miracle. I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my Savior and for all of the angels who helped me along the way - who carried me when I could not take another step alone.

I know a beautiful girl who had to experience something awful a few days ago. I hope that I am able to match even a small amount of the comfort that she offers to me in my times of need. I hope that she, and anyone else who is aching because of an 'awful memory' or an 'awful experience', will read this and remember something that she taught me as she encouraged me every day after my own awful night.

Pain eases over time. Your broken heart will be made whole again some day. It will take work, and it will take tears, and it will take courage and strength beyond your own. Sometimes you will need to curl up and cry; there's nothing wrong with that. Other times you will need to hold your head high as you face a panicked moment. As you choose to move forward you will find that one day the memory no longer haunts your life. It will come slowly; a little here and a little there untill one day you realize, with tears of gratitude and joy welling in your eyes, that your heart is mended - that you have moved past this awful memory and are looking triumphantly back at it. You will then be able to say:

"I made it through... I made it."    

I promise you. I promise you with my entire heart <3
though the water is between us, i'll be right there in your heart always <3
a phone call and a few flights away.



  1. I love this post, Megan. Beautiful words created by a beautiful person.