Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Saturday, December 24, 2011

16 months old!!!

It's Christmas eve... And I doubt that I'll have time to post up a blog tomorrow for Havens 25th blog.

My sweet boy is fast asleep beside me and I doubt a nap is in store again for the rest of the day. So! I shall blog :)

Right now we're at my aunts farm. We talked last night and she told me that the house is actually 100 years old. They found the bill of sale and it was built for $4,400.00 including labor. If only I could build a beautiful Victorian house for only $4,400.00! I love this farm :)

It might smell a little musty, but it feels like a home - we've had tons of memories here.

Haven has been so busy exploring all of the nooks and crannies. This morning we opened some Christmas gifts and he was so excited with his new toys that Grandma and Grandpa got for him.

His favorite word right now is 'uuuhhh ohhh'. And he says it with the funniest look on his face hahah. He says 'mama' now and sometimes he says 'nope'. Randomly he will try to sound out entire sentences like 'i love you' but it just comes out sounding like gibberish.

His hair is getting more and more curly every single day. It's exactly like mine when I was a baby - blonde and all. Everyone always comments on how much he looks like me - it's a special feeling to look at someone and see yourself in them..

Well. I'm going to have one of those 'I'm so stuffed with food I've just gotta lay here on a bed and not move for three hours' naps :)

Have a very Merry Christmas to all!!!

Friday, December 16, 2011

all the difference

Today has been a wonderful day. I can't help but be awake at 2:00 am and be writing this blog - that is just how wonderful it was. My heart just feels like it's overflowing with gratitude and love.

The other night I was getting Haven ready for bed. I gave him a bath and brushed his little curly locks. Then I read him some stories from his 'scripture stories' book. We read about Daniel and Goliath, Moses and his loving Mother, Jesus Christ's birth... all of these wonderful things. I am so grateful for these stories that teach my son of hope and faith...

We went around and said our 'goodnights' to everyone. He gave hugs and kisses to grandma and his aunties and uncles. Then we went into his room.

auntie tanis

Here's the good part.

I knelt down beside his crib like I do every night before bed. Without me even having to help him kneel down across from me he knelt down in front of me. I folded my hands and he pushed his hands together in a jumbled up mess - he hasn't quite figured out the art of hand co-ordination yet - but, together they were, and that's all that mattered. He looked up at me with those big brown eyes as if to say "Ok Mommy. I'm ready."

My heart just melted away; I struggled to keep my voice steady as I said his prayers for him. I usually try and keep his prayers short and sweet so that he has more opportunity of suceeding in being reverent. But this time I prayed a little longer. He stayed there kneeling with his little hands clasped together the entire time.

I said 'Amen' and he jumped up and threw open his arms, wrapping them tightly around my neck. I just pulled him in close and breathed in his little 'johnson's baby' smell.

What would I do if I didn't have him forever?

I just don't know the answer to that question.

Today I did something very special to my heart. I went to the Temple and I did work there to help enable families to be with each other for time and all eternity. We search out names of our ancestors and we make sure that they are remembered and united together. I went with a close friend of mine: Lola May, as I lovingly like to refer to her.

We began talking on the drive home. We talked about how wonderful of a feeling it was to be able to help families be together forever. I sat back and thought of my precious baby boy - what would I do if I couldn't be with him forever? What would I do if I didn't know where I was going? What would I do if I didn't understand the importance of my role as a Mother?

I know that the relationship that I have with my children is more important than any other relationship (apart from the one I'll have with my future husband, of course ;). I will take my family relationships with me where ever I go - they'll still be with me even after I die. So I think they should be more important than anything else... Some might laugh at me or mock me - but if you're one of those people, than it makes me sad that you don't understand the divinity within leading and guiding a little soul who has been trusted to your care... or the divinity within loving a sister or brother or a mom or dad.

I'm so grateful for this Gospel. I'm so grateful for all that I have been blessed with in this life. I have hard days - just as everyone does. Sometimes I question myself and wonder if I am capable of teaching Haven all that he needs to know - a task that seems even more daunting considering that I am technically doing it alone (and I say 'technically' because I've got an amazing family who helps me to not ever feel alone) - but in the end I know where I am going and I know where I've come from... and most importantly, I know that my calling as a Mother, a sister, a friend, a daughter and eventually a wife is divine.

And that has made all the difference.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

what am i grateful for? awful days

i swear! i am NOT a negative girl. i PROMISE you!

i feel awful writing this blog. mainly because i just feel like every time i've blogged lately it's started off with something similar to what i'm about to say right now:

today. was. awful.

but wait!

i am totally going to turn it all around and you will all be feeling uplifted and encouraged by the end of it. in the mean time, though; just listen to a little bit of my day (possibly for no one's benefit but my own, because for real sometimes you just gotta get it off your chest and write it all out):

i LOVE snow and i LOVE Christmas. so. waking up to the white flakey wonder outside my front window brought a lot of joy to my heart. what about this did not bring a lot of joy to my heart? the roads. especially the roads when people forget that we live in Canada and not California. and that 'hey, the roads are fricken slippery'. then they do stupid things like pulling in front of me on the highway and making me swerve into the other lane (over the cement divider thingy and everything (not the tall one but the one that's kinda like a curb)) and nearly die in on coming traffic.

then i had the most draining and depressing conversation with a close friend of mine (kind of like what you think that this blog is going to be like; just you wait, just you wait).

then my iPod broke - my iPod contains my life; this is a BIG deal.

then i found out that a loved one is really quite sick (nope! you don't get to know who! haha).

then another friend of mine was just really darn hurtful and i started crying; yup... i cried (this may have been somewhat due to the above 'bad day thingies' that led up to the mean friend. maybe it wasn't entirely his fault that i cried. lol). 

then some other friends got into an argument about religion... some sad things were said and my heart felt like it had just been beaten right up.


I did what any logical girl would do and I pulled on some sweats, layered on some hoodies, found some mittens, laced up my Nike's and took off out the door for a run.

"Isn't there tons of snow outside?"

Yup. There is. I just didn't care.

I ran and ran and ran. I'm pretty sure I gave Forest Gump a run for his money. He's got nothin' on me.

I finished the run and I played with my puppy for a little bit out in the snow :) that brought a lot of joy to my heart.

Then I got to thinking about the day. And I got to thinking about how awful it was. I replayed it all in my mind and I realized something (here's where we'll shift to the good part ;):

If I didn't get to experience the 'awful days' - if every single day was easy and tolerable - then I would never be able to fully appreciate the wonderfully splendid days. If I didn't have to face some days that are scary and awful and painful then I simply wouldn't have the capacity to understand the worth of the good days.

And suddenly my entire view on the day changed. I sat there in the snow with my puppy and I realized that this day - though it was terrible and awful and difficult - was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
Without the bad I can't appreciate the good.
Without the heart break I can't appreciate the healing.
Without the tears I can't appreciate the smiles.
Without the hatred I can't appreciate the love.
Without the bitterness I can't appreciate the kindness.

I'm grateful for awful days. I'm grateful for people who treat me badly.
Because without them, I would be a pretty ungrateful little girl.

Because I've seen the bad, I'm grateful for the good.